As my blog name states, I am on a new pathway in my life. To be honest its not actually new. I have just come to realise where I am. I have always been there but couldn’t see what was staring me in the face. The universe has introduced me to some incredible people over these last few months. People who are on incredible and powerful life changing journeys. What is wonderful about being connected to such people, is the thought provoking things that arise.Things that I didn’t even realise were causing me pain have come to light and allowed me to process, understand and move on.
My latest revelation has been huge enough to kick my sorry little writers blocked arse into logging back into my wordpress.
#100daysofdancing: a challenge accepted by a wonderful man on a mission to overcome his fear of dancing in public (among other things) I began to think about accepting this challenge( I love a challenge)and wondering if it was something I really needed to do. After all, embarrassing myself in public is definitely not on my bucket list! I suddenly became overwhelmed with anxiety as the pictures of me dancing flooded my mind with questions and observations all connected to ‘Dancing’
As I find it very difficult to put my thoughts into words I shall try and remember my train of thought. It went a little something like this…
Hmm I cant remember the last time I actually danced… maybe because I haven’t been drunk for a long time… OH… I only dance when I’m drunk… thoughts of attempting to dance while sober flood me with the emotions that this evokes in me…horror!! Wow!! I have fucking issues… But what about dancing in the house? in the kitchen? I cant even remember the last time I done this! I always used to dance… to make myself feel better…oh… I stopped making myself feel better…
This was just a snippet of my thought process whilst driving 11 to her gymnastics class last night. My next level of thinking was then directed around why? Not just why did I stop dancing, but why did I stop making myself feel better? But one thing at a time eh? So. Why did I stop dancing…
- Dancing generally requires music ( although this is not essential) so actually I stopped listening to music. I shut out all possibility of listening to and being connected to any heart wrenching moments that I could no longer take. Music holds deep rooted memories, both happy and sad.. I had no desire to take any risks.My heart was broken into a million pieces. Shattered.I was left with nothing but a heaviness that consumed my very soul.
This is where it began.
before this, I would dance simply because I was happy or to make myself happy. To de stress and set myself free. I use the word ‘Dance’ here very loosely. Of course what I actually mean is that I’d bounce around like a twat out of time to the music. But dancing no less.
I broke… I crawled into a dark corner and detached myself from happiness. I closed my heart and forgotten that it existed. I forgot how it felt to dance. I became unable to set myself free. I lost my confidence and became a shadow of myself… That.Is why I stopped dancing.
What shocks me most is that I didn’t even realise….