Why I stopped dancing…

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Why I stopped dancing…

As my blog name states, I am on a new pathway in my life. To be honest its not actually new. I have just come to realise where I am. I have always been there but couldn’t see what was staring me in the face.  The universe has introduced me to some incredible people over these last few months. People who are on incredible and powerful  life changing journeys. What is wonderful about being connected to such people, is the thought provoking things that arise.Things that I didn’t even realise were causing me pain have come to light and allowed me to process, understand and move on.

My latest revelation has been huge enough to kick my sorry little writers blocked arse into logging back into my wordpress.

#100daysofdancing: a challenge accepted by a wonderful man on a mission to overcome his fear of dancing in public (among other things) I began to think about accepting this challenge( I love a challenge)and wondering if it was something I really needed to do. After all, embarrassing myself in public is definitely not on my bucket list! I suddenly became overwhelmed with anxiety as the pictures of me dancing flooded my mind with questions and observations all connected to ‘Dancing’ 

As I find it very difficult to put my thoughts into words I shall try and remember my train of thought. It went a little something like this…

Hmm I cant remember the last time I actually danced… maybe because I haven’t been drunk for a long time… OH… I only dance when I’m drunk… thoughts of attempting to dance while sober flood me with the emotions that this evokes in me…horror!! Wow!! I have fucking issues… But what about dancing in the house? in the kitchen? I cant even remember the last time I done this!  I always used to dance… to make myself feel better…oh I stopped making myself feel better…

This was just a snippet of my thought process whilst driving 11 to her gymnastics class last night. My next level of thinking was then directed around why?  Not just why did I stop dancing, but why did I stop making myself feel better? But one thing at a time eh? So. Why did I stop dancing…

  • Dancing generally requires music ( although this is not essential) so actually I stopped listening to music. I shut out all possibility of listening to and being connected to any heart wrenching moments that I could no longer take. Music holds deep rooted memories, both happy and sad.. I had no desire to take any risks.My heart was broken into a million pieces. Shattered.I was left with nothing but a heaviness that consumed my very soul.

This is where it began.

before this, I would dance simply because I was happy or to make myself happy. To de stress and set myself free. I use the word ‘Dance’ here very loosely. Of course what I actually mean is that I’d bounce around like a twat out of time to the music. But dancing no less.

I broke…  I crawled into a dark corner and detached myself from happiness. I closed my heart and forgotten that it existed. I forgot how it felt to dance. I became unable to set myself free. I lost my confidence and became a shadow of myself… That.Is why I stopped dancing.

What shocks me most is that I didn’t even realise….

 

 

 

 

 

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I’ve not posted for a while now, and I’m not really sure why? Sure I’ve had plenty of things going on in my life. For instance 20 has returned from her time in Greece, and I have been busy packing up the house ready for our move. However, this is not what has kept me from my few and far between posts.

The truth is that every time I think about logging in, I get filled with a small amount of anxiety. For some reason unknown to me at the moment I have been unable to even think about trying to put my feelings into words. Hopefully this post, (albeit a tiny post),will break the strange cycle of anxiety that has unfolded before me.

I have been going through some positive emotional shifting of late, so maybe once that has settled I will make sense of this all. Until then I will continue to read all the greatness that fills the silence’s of my evenings.

WordPress bloggers I thank you 🙂

Namaste

My perfect Sunday

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My perfect Sunday

Sundays are a strange day. They have a completely different feel about them compared to the ‘standard’ days of the week.

My relationship with Sundays can be a beautiful thing. At its best it has all the wonderful feelings of a cold cosy autumn day, filled with snuggles on the sofa, romantic films and red wine in front of an open fire, after a walk along the beach with the wind blowing away the cobwebs of the week previous.

I have a ‘Sunday playlist’ too; an integral part of this love affair. This list can only be played on a Sunday. Its the law 🙂

  • Etta James
  • Nina Simone
  • Norah Jones
  • Luther Vandrose… And
  • The Ally Mcbeal soundtrack

Oh the sweet sweet sound of my perfect Sunday 🙂

If we were having coffee right now writing 101

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If we were having coffee right now writing 101

If we were having Coffee right now, I’d tell you how I cant stand drinking coffee, and I was drinking green tea. But despite my dislike of drinking Coffee I love Coffee cake, and Coffee chocolates. Then you’d say “you’ve got issues” and I’d completely agree.

If we were drinking Coffee right now, and I green tea, I would tell you how far behind I am with my writing 101 on word press. Then you’d say in your sarcastic tone, “behind? you? Noo!” and I’d chuckle and say ” I know I know”

If we were drinking Coffee right now, and I green tea, I would ask how your week has been, and check that you are happy. Your reply would be as id expect, which is ” im not here to talk about me” …. and I’d smile and say “im fine, don’t worry” and take a gulp of my tea

If we were drinking Coffee right now, and I green tea. Id know that this was a dream and this visit was especially for me. So I wouldn’t pretend, and I wouldn’t chuckle. Id pour myself a whiskey and crack you open a beer, you’d hug me sooooo tight (and crack my back) and id shed a tear; and crumble. Knowing full well that you would catch me when I tumbled.

We wouldn’t be drinking coffee right now, or fucking green tea. I would tell you how much I miss you,and make sure you were proud. Id tell you about your girls (and Boy) and how much they have grown, and you’d smile and say… ” I know”

We probably should be drinking Coffee right now, and definitely not caffeine free. You’d tell me that you love me, but that I should set you free, because it is not grief that keeps you here, it’s seeing that were happy. We would  laugh at Mums new mishaps, and you’d tell us to always be wise, and everything we do, to always do with pride. Everything we didn’t say, we would say this very night. Through beer stained tears and a love so sincere, you would look me in the eye, then say in your broad Ulster accent, the one we long to hear. .. ” sweetheart, don’t be lonely, now look me in the eye. Emma please believe me when I say I did not die”

Where do all their words come from? DAY 5 Writing 101

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Well I am most certainly not a novelist, but jeez do I get what he means. I really love to write, well to blog. I know that’s the same thing but what I mean is im not a ‘writer’ writer. I’m more of a chatter box but in the writing form. Also I tend to ramble; A lot, so that’s not actually writing is it – is it?

I spend so much time reading through blogs that I follow, and there really are some beautiful writers on here. This is wonderful, but I cannot help but compare my writing. I’m sure many of you do this, its human nature I suppose. Well human nature to those less confident and self loathing folks for sure. But then again, this is what this tweet is saying isnt it? A novelist is clearly an amazing writer,with a super human cerebellum, holding all the beautiful and intelligent words needed to write so well in the first place. But even they question their own abilities. So it is human nature after all, even for the immortals that walk among us.

I’m not even sure if that was the point that I started out with , hmmm :/

so what i am saying is that this tweet speaks volumes to me, as I go through the same motions every time I write, and then read somebody else’s post. I don’t have a vast vocabulary, and I most certainly cannot write a poem or short story.( I am always amazed at the imagination involved) and my punctuation and spellings need a damn good brushing up. But I write because I enjoy it. Do I worry what people think? damn right I do!  Am I going to let this stop me? not a chance! If ‘Novelists’ stopped at this point, we would have nothing to read would we?  And I’m sure there is someone out there that enjoys reading less than intelligent ramblings 🙂

please make contact if you know of anyone.

challenge accepted

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challenge accepted

So this past week, I have been participating in 101 writing university.It has been so far a great experience, and I have found and chatted to some pretty awesome writers. After sharing my first assignment, I was challenged by word press blogger http://joulesnightmare.wordpress.com/ to go on an adventure this week.Well I love a challenge and of course accepted.

I was a little unsure of what I would do that could be classed as an ‘adventure’. I don’t have a car at the moment, so travel is limited and im also not feeling 100% due to tapering of the evil poison that had diminished my adventures in the first place. Luckily my life runs with some wonderful syncronisities and the universe, as always helped me out.

After being invited to an open mic night last week ; also courtesy of the universe, where I met some really great people. I was again invited to join them at a leaving party. Now I’m sure some of you will not see this as an adventure, but you need to understand what the universe is doing for me here. In order to do this you need to read my post My list 🙂 smooth move, I know.  So again I got to spend time with the Musicians that I met only last week. Who have introduced Jazz music into my life, and I really love the sound of the Sax (thank you universe).  So following on from ‘My list’ here is another list of things I have learned from my little adventure out of my house and into the world of really cool people.

  • Listening to Etta James at this party was perfectly acceptable. Awesome.
  • I can have great fun with highly educated Musicians, without being a musician or highly educated. who’d of known!
  • Blowing a Saxophone is not as easy as it looks. But is good fun trying,
  • I can probably drink too many bottles of Bud for the lady that I am… OK maybe ‘lady’ is slightly extreme. But you know what I mean.
  • I don’t actually turn into a pumpkin if I stay out past Midnight…..Or 4am oh yes I did!!  
  • That I should never stay out till 4am and expect to wake up in time for the gong bath session I was booked in to. I’m not 18 any-more!
  • I cant wait for more adventures.

 

Uncertainty

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Uncertainty

The fact, that I could not decide which word to choose for today’s word prompt assignment, was the very reason I chose the word ‘uncertainty’. I tend to be an uncertain kind of person, making me an absolute superstar procrastinator.

I start things, then I stop things and then I start them again. Or I go all out and don’t even start them!  Come to think of it, I should have added this to yesterdays list. Certainty is missing from my life, I need less uncertainty and more certainty. 

So why am I such an uncertain person?( jeez I’ve used the word uncertain a lot ) I think its safe to say that Uncertainty (sorry) is fuelled by fear, and low self-confidence; well it is in my case anyway. My self-confidence has taken a bit of a beating, well actually if im honest, its had the total shit kicked out of it. But its OK im working on it; I have a list 😉

Dear Effexor… continued

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Dear Effexor… continued

It has been two days since I began our ‘cooling off period’ and I can honestly say, that despite a few tears this morning,  I am feeling confident that our days together are numbered. Yes, I am well aware that this new found confidence could be a slight side effect, and possibly a touch of mania. But Its positive, and  for today that is OK for me.

Just Emma xx

My list 101

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strangely enough, I have a list (well half a list) sitting in my drafts. So I will take this as a sign. So here it is:

There are certain things in my life, mainly small seemingly insignificant things, but things nonetheless that I feel are leaving small voids where happy feelings were. These things are as follows

  • Music all kinds of.

My heart was broken three years ago, into tiny pieces. leaving me empty and broken. It’s such a shame that the music that once made me smile or jump up and down or even dance on a table to, can become a thing of the past that now resides with sadness and memories that you can’t face. well its time to change that shit! God how I miss just staying up late and listening to old songs and reminiscing. I miss live music and dancing. Songs that make you want to sing your heart out, despite sounding like a donkey giving birth.

  • Adventures 

Spur of the moment ones. Ones that my sister would never understand. Adventures that seem pointless to other people but mean everything to me. Crazy exciting passion fuelled adventures.

  • Meeting and talking to new people

Without my intentions being judged and without needing to explain myself. Without jealousy leading to me feeling uncomfortable for no reason – I love socializing (on my own terms) Being single means this is possible. I love talking to people.

  • Fire in my belly

Not the whisky drinking kind of belly fire. Hmm actually now I come to think of it…

  • Whisky

I need to visit Belfast again.

  • A VW camper van

I never did have one, but man would I love one!! imagine the freedom of the coast. That’s happiness right there.

  • Kissing in the rain

I had a moment in my mind there 🙂

I’m sure this list could go on for eternity, but I think this is enough for me to chase for now.

 

Dear effexor

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Dear effexor

You saved me. I was lost and alone in a darkness, that was unbearable.for that I am eternally grateful. I would cry for hours, silently so the children wouldn’t hear me. I could tell nobody of this pain I was feeling. I could never repeat the thoughts that played over and over in my mind, nobody would understand. Nobody could ever understand the resentment I felt at having to live another day. What was the point? There was no point! I knew it was true. It was a truth only I was aware of, I knew. 

But you saved me, and for that I will always be grateful. You were there every step of the way. If I grew weaker, you became stronger. My tears stopped falling and the night times were no longer feared. You protected me from myself.

You are now part of me. There is no where on earth that I can go without you now, not even for one day.I cannot speak without you there with me, my world no longer makes sense. One night alone without you is torture. I am terrorised by vivid nightmares, and my screams are heard throughout the house; my sheets wet through with sweat. I am desperate for the daylight so we can become one again, so you can numb my pain.

You take care of everything for me. My thoughts and feelings are held tightly in your grips. Nobody can get near them. My thoughts no longer frighten me because they no longer have any meaning. Now all that keeps me awake through the night is an awful lot of nothingness.  A different kind of torture.

So please do not think me ungrateful when I ask; but where have I gone?

where is my laugh and my playfulness? where is my lust and my passion? and why has my heart turned to stone, when it was always worn with pride on my sleeve?  I know you did not take these from me, they were already lost. However I believed in you. I believed you would bring them back to me, back to their rightful place.

Now I cry again in silence, because I long for those feelings. I miss them and I still feel empty. I want to get to know myself again. I think I might actually like me; all I need is that chance.  I have learnt new ways and discovered a whole life that I would never have believed possible. I can see now how wonderful my life could be.

I just need you to set me free.

Just Emma xx